Every morning, I wake up drenched. They say this happens after giving birth, and I vaguely recollect the same sensation from my previous two. But this time, somehow it seems different. It's not a cold, scared sweat. It's more like my body cleansing itself of unneeded fluid even while I sleep. It's strange to me that it doesn't happen while I'm awake, but only while I'm resting. Eugene Peterson says, "The Hebrew evening/morning sequence conditions us to the rhythms of grace. We go to sleep and God begins His work.." In my current experience, this is just as applicable to my body as it is to my spirit...
So when I get out of bed for the day I head straight to shower. I used to be a shower at night kind of a girl, since my children are up before the crack of dawn and showering with a couple of wild things knocking down my door hardly sounds safe or appealing. But since I'd rather not go out looking like I just ran a marathon, (trust me. I didn't.) I've grown to love my morning shower. As I wash, I think and I pray. I come out clean.
Then I visit the hospital, and I must cleanse again. We scrub up to our elbows with soap and hot water for one minute each time we enter the nicu. Once we get to Alder's room, we reapply sanitizer approximately every ten minutes, just to make sure he is in a completely protected environment.
Then there's the pumping routine. Every 2-3 hours, (ok, ok, lately for me it's been more like 4...) I have to relocate to a "mother's retreat," where I can pump quietly for the recommended 15-20 minutes. When I finish, I have to break down and wash each piece, dry everything off, and get ready to repeat the whole process.
My hands are starting to crack and bleed from all the washing, but at least I know they are clean.
Last night, for the first time since Alder's birth, I realized that the majority of my time is spent doing this washing. Essentially, my life right now is one living cleansing ritual. Is it possible to devote this simple act of washing, performed steadily throughout my day, as an act of both contrition and worship? I have to think that it is, and that perhaps the Lord is revealing that to me even this morning as I write.
In Psalm 51, David uses this exact language to speak of repentance, redemption and restoration:
“Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your loving kindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
That my mouth may declare Your praise.
For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
By Your favor do good to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
In burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar.”
While I don't know what today holds, I do know with certainty that I will be washing my hands over, and over, and over again. And every time I do, I will sing: Kyrie Eleison. Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. And He will hear me, scoop me up in His everlasting arms of love, and make me whiter than snow.